A second chance on love
He said, "I love you very much and will do anything for you."
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I said, "I love you more and know how much you will and have done for me."
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He said, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
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I said, "I know and I definitely feel the same."
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As he got down and opened the box, he said, "I really want you to be my wife. Will you marry me?”
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I said, "Oh my goodness. This is for real! Of course! Yes! Yes!
WAIT! Did you speak to my dad? What about the boys? Do my sister and mom know?”
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He said, “Of course."
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One beautiful evening in July I started my new journey on my second chance at love. Many would ask the question: Are you sure? Do you think it’s too soon? What if it doesn’t work out? It would be quite easy to allow any and all of those questions to become reasons why I should not believe in this second opportunity at love.
You see, I was in a 20 plus year relationship and 14 year marriage and it ended on not the best of notes, but that is for another post. In this relationship, we are both products of failed marriages and of the many trials and tribulations of our youth. In a nutshell, we both made many mistakes. Many of them neither one of us are proud of.
We are part of the statistics many experts write about. Today, up to fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. The statistics for second marriages are even worse; sixty percent of those will end in divorce!
Divorce!
So you see, I had many reasons to question whether saying yes to a second marriage was a great idea.
But, I did. I said yes with all my heart and soul. I said yes, not because I’m just a hopeless romantic (which I am) but because I believed in US!
I believed that we both learned many lessons in our past and were willing to be our best selves for each other and the blended family we were creating.
Oh did I say blended? Yes, we are a blended family of seven, comprising of 5 boys ranging from the ages 6-21 years old. So life is always quite eventful on all levels.
So why was I so adamant that it would work this time around? I will take you through some key ideals that George and I have worked on and will continue working on to have a successful marriage.
Healing the wounds from your first marriage/past
This is important if not the most important. You can not go into another relationship with anyone until you heal from your past. It took me time to forgive myself for not having a successful first marriage. I had to heal from the shame of what I believed to be society’s outlook on divorced women. We both needed to heal from the stress that our children endured during the separations.
Realistic Expectations of Marriage
For most of us we set the bar high. Now I am not at all saying one should settle. But, what I am saying is we must be realistic about marriage. Each of you must know what are the expectations around things such as finances, raising children, the roles each of you play in the relationship. You must be able to know the answer to specific questions you may have. For example: Do you expect your husband to be the primary breadwinner? Does your husband look for a woman who is “domestic” and will have dinner ready and waiting for him when he gets home from work? These are not things I believe most people truly sit and discuss while dating. And it never becomes a problem until it’s too late.
I must say when George and I first began he found many of my habits to be quite uncomfortable. We are both very independent and quite self -sufficient. For a man that can be a challenge.
Definition of What Love Is to Each Other
Most people think that just because they “love” someone that will make the marriage a successful one. Everyone has their own outlook and definition of what love looks and feels like. Love is definitely not expressed the same. Understanding each other’s love language is very important.
My primary love language is acts of service. I learned this many years ago after a good friend of mine gave me Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages. For me I feel most loved when you do simple acts of service. Something as simple as putting the laundry in the dryer because you realized I was tired after work will put me in a pleasant mindset. I feel appreciated and valued. Now, if my husband doesn’t pay attention to my love language and shows me love the way he feels fit, I may not fully feel the connection that I need. And the same goes for knowing his love language. We must speak the language of our partner. This will create resilience during times of disappointments and problems if you both have an idea of what is needed from each other to continue to feel loved.
Communication
“Speak from your heart to his heart instead of from your mind to his mind.” – Rori Ray
Creating a space where both partners feel confident and comfortable expressing themselves to one another is pertinent to the success of a marriage. You must be able to handle the thoughts and feelings of each other whether you like it or not. Many times we are turned off when the feelings and opinions don’t align with our own. That is where the trouble sets in. We tend to not deal with the issues and most times become closed to communicating. Feeling safe to communicate is what helps build intimacy and connection in marriage.
George and I have learned that we must be open and honest with each other. When he says something that I may not agree with, I tell him. And he does the same with me. Then we sit and discuss our points of views. Do we always come to a resolution? No. However, we have made a decision to bring any issues we may have to the table to be discussed. No holding onto things. Neither one of us can read each other's mind. Assuming one knows your thoughts and feelings will destroy any relationship.
Awareness of What It Takes to Blend a Family
The most difficult part of any second marriage is blending of two families. About 65% of second marriages include children. Not only will you be charged with maintaining the marriage, but also keeping the children happy, healthy and safe. Both partners must be open minded to the many differences they may each have about parenting. Parenting styles may not align to one another. Remember, you have to understand your boundaries. You are not the biological parent to your step children.
Lack of awareness of what it takes to blend a family can and will create unhealthy dynamics and in turn, unhappy children. This issue can severely rock the boat when it comes to brand new second marriages. George and I had to make decisions about discipline, how to engage with the exes (the children’s other parent) and what steps you need to take to build a bond with each other’s children before stepping into that second marriage.
When blending a family everyone needs time to adjust. In most cases about two to five years-- remember you are changing the trajectory of lives. The sad truth is, the killer of second marriages is often problems that come from blending the two families. In knowing this sad truth, George and I take our roles as parents and step parents very seriously. We have given ourselves and our family time. We continue to be patient, especially when the going gets tough.
Expect Conflict
Once the honeymoon phase is over and reality soon shows its little head, you will encounter many differences. Conflict is inevitable. We are humans! We will make mistakes; we have our own perspectives. This usually causes strain in relationships.
However, going into the relationship with the understanding that nothing is perfect and knowing that conflicts will arise will assure less dismay. George and I know that there will be conflict with our finances, with our communication, with the way each of us may see things, and in our parenting styles. But we are open to the conflict and look for the resolution instead of pointing fingers and assigning blame.
The key is to manage conflict with understanding, patience, respect and love.
So as you all can see. We took major steps in the decision of a second marriage. And we are truly happy we did! If you had second thoughts about your second chance at love, I hope this post helped change your mind. We are taking this opportunity to love one another to the fullest.
